Congratulations to Lauren Sanchez, who last week gave Donald Trump a run for his (ever diminishing supply of) money. Her excesses in the service of Bezospalooza 60! earned 27.8 percent of your vote. And it’s worth acknowledging the love you showed as well for the Sussexes (10.8 percent for having jetted to Jamaica to attend a screening and pose for a reddish-carpet photo op with an anti-monarchist) and for Ye (new dentition, 9.1 percent). But Trump as usual outdid himself, in New Hampshire and in court, and won with 34.7 percent.
Speaking of Trump: have you started auditioning yet for the role of lapdog to the Republican front-runner? If not, you’re in the minority. We thought it might be time to take a look at some of the bum-kissing, boot-licking Men and Women Who Would Be Pence, see what they’ve been up to lately, and get a sense of whether they have the requisite stores of cynical opportunism, craven sycophancy, calculation, ambition, masochism, and political death wish that are part of the job description. Herewith, a special Trump-Toady installment of the A.W.I.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
NIKKI HALEY
Why, the very notion that she’d be Trump’s running mate is “off the table,” she has said. No doubt. Until it’s on the table.
2.
TIM SCOTT
The former candidate for president—and the Senate’s only Black Republican—went to New Hampshire, and at one of the many rallies he attended, shouted, “I just love you!” to Trump. Scott later told ABC News, “The one thing I think the electorate is thinking about most often is how in the world will the next president impact my quality of life?… Myself and all the voters that support Donald Trump supports a return to normalcy as it relates to what affects their kitchen table.” Himself was first appointed to the Senate by Nikki Haley, you may recall.
3.
ELISE STEFANIK
Shameless even by politician standards. “This is truly a tragic day for America,” she said in a statement, now deleted from her Web site, after the January 6, 2021, insurrection. “I fully condemn the dangerous violence and destruction that occurred today at the United States Capitol. Americans have a Constitutional right to protest and freedom of speech, but violence in any form is absolutely unacceptable and anti-American. The perpetrators of this un-American violence and destruction must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” Last month she told NBC, “I have concerns about the treatment of January 6th hostages.” Went to New Hampshire, naturally.
4.
KRISTI NOEM
A longtime Trump acolyte—she once presented him with a replica of Mount Rushmore that included his mug alongside those of Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson—who has said she’d accept the V.P. slot “in a heartbeat,” Noem visited Texas’s border with Mexico and declared, “It is clear that the situation has deteriorated more and more. Texas has carved out a small zone of security in the middle of this war zone.” Well, why shouldn’t she visit the border? She is governor, after all. Of South Dakota. Which is way north, latitudinally aligned with Minneapolis and Toronto, and whose closest international border is the one with Canada.
5.
TUCKER CARLSON
Remember him? Donald Trump Jr. told Newsmax, “I mean they’re very friendly.... I would love to see that happen. That would certainly be a contender.”
6.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS
The Arkansas governor and former Trump White House press secretary and campaign adviser says she isn’t interested, a sure sign she’s interested. “Look, I absolutely love the job I have. I think it’s one of the best jobs I could ever ask for, and I am honored to serve as governor, and I hope I get to do it for the next seven years,” she told CBS News. Totally believable—why would anyone want to be first in line for the presidency when you can instead be governor of Arkansas?
7.
J. D. VANCE
See above, but substitute “Ohio” for “Arkansas.” The former Trump critic turned supporter has said, “I think one of the most important ways I can help President Trump but most importantly help the people of Ohio is by being a good senator, and that’s where I plan to stay for the next few years. We’ll see what happens, but I like my job and I’d like to stay in it.” But, just in case, went to New Hampshire.
8.
KARI LAKE
Like Vance and Stefanik, a flip-flopper—she was once a Democrat who supported Obama—and she certainly caught Trump’s eye in 2022 when she refused to accept her loss to Katie Hobbs in the race for governor of Arizona. Now running for Senate, but has lately been distracted by intrastate squabbling: she forced out Arizona’s Republican Party chairman, Jeff DeWit, after a recording surfaced of him suggesting to her that if she’d only “take a pause” from politics she would benefit financially. At the G.O.P. meeting where her choice to replace him, another Trumpite, was elected, Lake was booed. Might have too much baggage even for Trump. Then again, as a QAnon-friendly dog-whistler, he’s surely pleased to learn (as Politico did) that Lake accepted an invitation to headline an Arizona G.O.P. fundraiser hosted by Caryn and Michael Borland, supporters of the gold-standard conspiracy-theory cabal—an offer even Mike Pence couldn’t bring himself to accept four years ago.
9.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY
God help us.
And, come to think of it, that pretty much sums it up. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked for Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War