This Morning with Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York
DUCHESS: Hello-hello-hello!!!!! And a very big, superbig, biggy-big-big welcome to a truly specially special episode of This Morning. I’m Sarah the Duchess of York and I’m a super ginormous fan of the show and today I’m joining the family alongside my totally brilliant chums Alison and Dermot as co-host and guest editor, can you believe it!!!!! I’ve been working with the lovely team behind the scenes to bring you some of the topics I’m most passionate about—so let’s run the titles!!!!!
Title Sequence
ALISON: Lovely to have you on the show, Sarah!
DUCHESS: Awwww! Amazing! And none of that Duchess nonsense! You must call me Sarah. That’s what the late Queen, the total legend and icon that was my late mother-in-law used to call me! Amazing! And I now own Her Majesty’s two corgis! Awwwww! Amazing!
ALISON: You have the Queen’s corgis!! I never knew that!!!
DUCHESS: I love corgis because they’re so kind they’re the kindest, kindest creatures and I just love kindness! Her Majesty used to truly value kindness too. She once said to me, “Sarah, kindly pass the tea.” And that meant so much.
DERMOT: And what about the King?
DUCHESS: He’s such a kind kind king, the kindest king that’s ever been! stares at teleprompter And coming up in the -
DERMOT: - and coming up on the show today we -
DUCHESS: coming up on the show today we - whoops! Sorry, it says Dermot to talk! Typical Fergs! Me and my big mouth! Big smacks, Fergs!
DERMOT: - and coming up on the show today, the eternally young Cliff Richard, how to make toast, Spin the Wheel, The Duchess of York answers your questions about relationships, your guide to creamy cakes, how to survive a heart attack, and your chance to win a Festive tax-free $63,000! That’s all after this -
She once said to me, “Sarah, kindly pass the tea.” And that meant so much.
Eat more food at Sainsburys fancy a burger king whopper eat more food at Waitrose fancy an XL Christmas turkey with all the trimmings eat more food at Aldi make this Christmas to remember when you order extra cream with your cream at Sainsbury
DUCHESS: Wellington bag to the shop -
DERMOT: - Welcome back to the show…
DUCHESS: Whoopsy! Memo to self: bring the specs! Typical Fergs! Ha ha ha!
ALISON: No, you’re doing reeeeely well.
DUCHESS: Awww! See, Alison, the thing is I’m so genuine. Like Her Majesty always used to say, “Aww, bless you, Sarah, you’re literally so genuine.”
DERMOT: You were ever so close to Her Majesty, weren’t you?
DUCHESS: We were like sisters. Whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, she’d speed-dial Old Fergs. looks to teleprompter And bow Barcus Mean.
DERMOT: - And now Marcus Bean…
DUCHESS: And now Marcus Bean is going to show us how to make the perfect piece of toast. Super to see you Marcus!
DERMOT: - Super to see you....
DUCHESS: Toast is one of my absoloop faves, Marcus—and I’ve often wondered how to make it because you never see it in shops. And now you’re going to show us! Can’t wait!
CHEF MARCUS BEAN: Thanks, Sarah! First, you get a slice of bread…
DUCHESS: Bread! Amazing! Who’d’ve thought it all starts with a slice of bread! I’ve often wondered.
CHEF MARCUS BEAN: And you put your bread in a toaster.
DUCHESS: But isn’t it much too broad to fit into that little slot!
CHEF MARCUS BEAN: You turn it so it’s vertical.
DUCHESS: Lummy!
CHEF MARCUS BEAN: Then give it a couple of minutes, and out it pops—as toast!
DUCHESS: Unbelievable! Mmmm…and it tastes so…toasty! You’re so amazing. And kind, too. Just like the late Her Majesty, who used to say to me, “Sarah, if I ever die, I’d love you to talk about my corgis on This Morning.”
ALISON: After the break, Sarah answers all your problems.
Hey mum lets eat more food at Tesco fancy a burger king whopper eat more food at Waitrose fancy an XL Christmas turkey with all the trimmings eat more food at Aldi make this Christmas to remember when you order scrumptious extra cream to put on your brandy butter at Sainsbury get in shape for the festive season with our life-saving diet plan only in the Sun.
CALLER: Hello Sarah. It’s Diane from Birmingham.
ALISON: What’s your problem for Sarah, Diane?
CALLER: I’m depressed and my husband’s depressed and our child is depressed.
DUCHESS: Amazing! Diane, I’m getting the feeling that you might be a bit depressed?
CALLER: Yes, and it’s doing my head in.
DUCHESS: Fantastic! You see, I’ve always had what I call this amazing intuition. The second you said you were depressed I thought to myself, “That’s a woman who’s depressed.” Awww!
DERMOT: So when it comes to conquering depression, what’s your advice to Diane?
DUCHESS: I always say the best way to make your hubby happy is to raid your saucy underwear drawer and blow dry your hair and then take him to your Swiss ski-ing chalet in Verbier or if you can’t afford Verbier then you could just about get away with Saas-Fee and then you give him a real surprise by sticking the saucy underwear on your head and performing a comical dance to my all time fave Agadoo by Black Lace—it’ll make him and his young lady friends literally HOOT with laughter! Job done!
ALISON: And now we welcome none other than Sir Cliff Richard to This Morning!
DUCHESS: Your know, Sir Cliff, sitting here with you today, I’m just lost for words. Literally lost for words! There are literally no words that I can think of to say what I’m thinking other than to say that there are no words to say how -
DERMOT (stifling yawn): So you have a new book out.
CLIFF: Well, my publishers came to me and…
DUCHESS: And you’re just as humble and kind as you’ve always been. Just like the late Queen, whose corgis I now look after. How do you do that?
CLIFF: Well, my publisher -
ALISON: Sadly, that’s all we’ve got time for.
DERMOT: Join us tomorrow when Barry will be showing us the best way to watch paint dry.
DUCHESS: And with us in the studio will be award-winning liquorice Rim Tice.
DERMOT: - lyricist Tim Rice.
DUCHESS: Amazing! Bin such farn! Byeeee! Byeeee!
Craig Brown is a columnist for the Daily Mail and the author of One Two Three Four: The Beatles in Time