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February 8 2020
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“Funny how? What’s so funny about me?”

INT. MAGNUSSON’S BAR - NIGHT

ROY (V.O.)
Edmonton was the biggest town in the lumber industry in the 80s … and no one was bigger in lumber than me, Roy MacDonald.

A tracking shot of ROY MACDONALD (Ryan Gosling) making his way through the crowd to Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold.”

ROY
Pardon … sorry … pardon …

CROWD
Sorry … pardon … sorry …

LATER—Roy regales a group of men at a table.

ROY
… so I said, “Then meet me for a chat at Tim Hortons, you hoser!”

The men laugh uproariously. One, MARK (Ryan Reynolds), wipes his eyes. Superimpose over Mark: “Died of stroke complications, 2011.”

MARK
You’re a funny guy.

ROY
What do you mean I’m funny?

MARK
You know … the way you tell the story … you’re funny.

ROY
No, I don’t know. Funny how? What’s so funny about me?

MARK
(nervously)
You know … funny. Like … Martin Short, or John Candy, or Dan Aykroyd, or Harold Ramis, or Rick Moranis. Kind of a goofy, offbeat deadpan, closer to absurdist British humor—like Python—than brash American comedy. You know—funny.

ROY
Oh, sure, now I see what you mean. Thank you. You’re funny, too, Mark.

Roy raises a finger for the crusty BARTENDER (Donald Sutherland, de-aged with C.G.I.). The bartender signals with a finger that he needs a minute. Roy waits patiently.

ROY
Another round of Molsons for me and my friends, please.

BARTENDER
(whispers)
Pardon, Mr. MacDonald, but your tab is 100 Canadian dollars.

ROY
I’m so sorry.

Roy pays him. The bartender serves them. They all watch the Oilers game silently.

INT. ICE RINK - DAY

Roy enters. Bryan Adams’s “Summer of ’69” blares over the sound system.

ROY (V.O.)
Then there was the day I heard the figure-skating coach, Craig Gagnon, had touched my daughter.

He stalks over to CRAIG GAGNON (Will Arnett): “Died of arteriosclerosis, 2016.”

“Bloody Mounties.”



ROY
Craig! Pardon! Did you touch my daughter, who’s in grade eight?

CRAIG
She was landing her Axels on the wrong foot. Had to make an adjustment, eh?

Roy hands him a wool cap.

ROY
She told us. My wife knitted you a toque, to thank you.

CRAIG
Thank you.

The two men nod then wave good-bye silently.

INT. ROY’S KITCHEN - DAY

Roy and two men, GRAHAM (Joshua Jackson)—“Died of ischemic heart disease, 2015”—and SCOTT (Hayden Christensen)—“Died of lower respiratory infection, 2004”—are listening to “Safety Dance,” by Men Without Hats.

ROY (V.O.)
I had a big lumber deal with a man from Regina that night—but first I had to make my Quebecois grandmother’s famous poutine.

ROY
Graham, you’re on fries. Scott, you’ve got the gravy, please. I’ll handle the cheese curds.

They start making the poutine, occasionally getting in the way of one another.

ROY / GRAHAM / SCOTT
Pardon … sorry … pardon …

GRAHAM
Mind if I use your washroom?

ROY
Down the hall five meters.

Graham leaves. Roy and Scott continue making the poutine silently.

EXT. LUMBERYARD - NIGHT

Roy talks in the foggy night with Regina lumberman ANTOINE (Jim Carrey): “Alive and well, grandfather to seven grandchildren.”

ROY
So, we have a deal, Antoine?

ANTOINE
Just making sure everything’s on the level.

Antoine looks over the contract as Roy waits patiently and shivers.

ROY
Cold out tonight—40 below, which is the same in Celsius as Fahrenheit.

ANTOINE
Whoa! Section three, article zed. That’s not what we agreed on. I’m getting too much, eh?

ROY
I threw in a few extra loonies, seeing as you were so polite on the phone earlier.

ANTOINE
Oh. Thank you. Sorry for jumping down your throat like a Mountie.

ROY
Bloody Mounties.

ANTOINE
Du Maurier?

ROY
Thank you, please.

As Antoine hands him a cigarette, he accidentally brushes Roy’s arm.

ANTOINE
Pardon.

ROY
Sorry.

The two men nod and smoke silently over Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night.”

INT. MAGNUSSON’S BAR - NIGHT

Roy and the bartender watch a solemn NEWS ANCHOR (Jason Priestley) on TV.

NEWS ANCHOR
The Edmonton Oilers have traded Wayne Gretzky to the Los Angeles Kings.

ROY
Bloody Oilers owner Peter Pocklington.

BARTENDER
Bloody Pocklington.

Roy and the bartender fight back tears silently over Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

INT. FAST-CASUAL RESTAURANT - DAY

ROY (V.O.)
After the Gretzky trade I moved to the States—Minnesota. Last week I ordered a bowl of poutine. They gave me roasted organic sweet potatoes with sriracha and vegan cheese.

Roy eats. The film’s first female character, a WAITRESS (Rachel McAdams), passes by.

ROY
Pardon? Miss? Pardon?

She doesn’t hear him. Roy chews silently over Justin Bieber’s “Sorry.”

FADE OOT

Teddy Wayne’s latest novel, Apartment, will be published February 25

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